just need to get stuff off of my chest

[horse_luver]

This is going to be quite a long post, so I dont expect too many people to read it. I just find it helps if I pour my soul out to strangers, so I hope you dont mind.

Well, I think it has been a few months since I have been off of my anti-deppressants. I was on them for a year (started taking them around feb 2005). I was a wreck. I was drinking, i was smoking pot, and I was taking someone elses pain killers just to go numb. I was also suicidal, and I would cut myself (not on the wrist by the vein, but on the forearm). I did all of this stuff while I was on the anti-deppressants.
I went to a therapist for the first 3 months after I was put on the anti-deppressants. I stopped seeing her because she was a wack job. I didnt know why I was depressed, I would just cry uncontrolably.
Since I have been off of my anti-deppressants, I find myself spiralling downwards. The only thing I have going for me is that I have a job. My parents are together, but have been fighting A LOT lately. My dad is 5 hours away, visiting his sick father (has leukimia). He went down on Friday, august 4th. Well, today my dad calls here, and said his mom just had a stroke this morning and is in the hospital. And later on today, my aunt calls and says her dad has less than a year to live (I never met her dad, but still, it still hurts me).
I just find nothing is going my way. I am losing most of my friends, because I have been so down in the last few months. I must only have 3 friends (well, 2 my age, my other friend is 10years older than me). I dont know why they are still my friends, the only time I am fun is when I am drunk or high. I am really hating my life right now. I dont even get out of bed until noon (unless I have to work). Then I spend the whole day in my pjs, watching tv and being on the computer. I am putting on weight, but I can't stop eating.
I also have bad stretch marks on my inner thighs, all the way down to my inner knees. I am so self concious, I havent worn a skirt, shorts, or a bathing suit in a year. I am not a heavy person, I am pretty thin, but I have fat thighs and calves (thanks to my mom). I am very self-concious, especially because of my stretch marks, small breasts, acne, and fat thighs and calves. I havent had a boyfriend in 1 and a half years.
I find myself crying everyday, and being emotional when I am not crying. I am always on the verge of tears. I want to go back on the anti-deppressants, but my parents wont let me, because they think its their fault. I think I am generally just a sad person. I dont sleep much at night, so I sleep the day away. I have recently put on 15 pounds (which people say I look much better, I am no longer a bone rack) and i feel fat. I eat very unhealthy. Everyday I work (at A&W) I eat there, but I cant help it.
I am dreading going back to highschool (grade 10) because I just havent liked people in a long time.

I am so happy I have my crested gecko, Greta. She is the only one keeping me alive. I would have no reason to live. I know she needs me to feed her, because I am the only one in my family that understands her complex diet and feeding scheduale.

Recently, a month or so ago, me and my brother had to swith bedrooms. I had the master bedroom, and he had the next biggest one. My parents sleep downstairs. We had to switch because I am a sloppy person, and my parents were getting fed up. I hate the smaller room. I have so much furniture in there (my double bed, night table, armwoire, dresser, desk and Gretas tank). I need all of the furniture, everything has its purpose. Its so hot in my room sometimes, because of Gretas lights, and because its smaller, I can barely see the carpet, with all of the stuff in the room.

Everything I am mentioning seems so petty (besides all the sickenss in the family). I have been stressed for about 5 years. I had a rough childhood, my parents were always fighting, and I was so nosey I had to listen to everything. We used to live in windsor, and I had a really mean aunt that lived across the road. We moved up here 4 years ago to get away from that. All that stress is probably why i got my period early.

But anyways, sorry about the long post, and I hope not to bring anyone down.

[smile]

Hey Megan,

First of all, I'm sure many of the UC regulars will read this. We all care about each other, and that most definitely includes YOU. You have TONS of friends on this forum alone- I don't know what you mean by "two friends"!

Furthermore, Megan, "I'm only fun when I'm drunk or high"?? WHAT in the world are you talking about. You make absolutely wonderful, stunning, enlightening posts here. Please don't be so self-deprecating! I don't understand how you can view yourself in such a light. You are a wonderful girl. I can tell this by your posts alone. Just seeing you, knowing you in real life; how much more light would that shed on your overall awesomeness?

Goodness gracious girl, you have absolutely no reason to be self-conscious. You are flippin' GORGEOUS. I've seen your pictures! Oh please, I'm sure you have guys secretly swooning over you, that don't admit it. Who cares if you haven't had a boyfriend in a year or so? Don't measure your self worth by what guys say! Plus, I've found that guys, just like us girls, they think things in their heads but don't act on it. Just cause you haven't had a boyfriend- that doesn't mean guys find you unattractive. No one has got the courage to ask you out (because your beauty is so intimidating!) I'm being, please believe me, 100% honest when I say this: you are hot. I know what you mean when you think about gaining weight! I am incredibly underweight, and I would looooove to gain some weight, but I can't no matter how much I eat. So girlie, be GLAD you put more pounds on. Being average weight is much more preferable to being underweight. Trust me on that! And about not wearing shorts or whatnot, WHO CARES! Wear what you're comfortable in, honey. It works out in the end. Plus, you're fifteen years old. What you look like now, will not be what you look like when you fully develop. IF your thighs are bigger in proportion, you will grow into them. Your body is a mechanism that has a natural tendency to grow in proportion. Don't worry about it. You'll bloom into an even more beautiful girl. Small breasts, WHATEVER...We don't finish growing, well into college! You're fifteen. You have so much more time left ahead, your body will develop, and you'll love it.

As for your family, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, because I can't really relate to it. But I do know that family problems- they aren't permanent. They WILL resolve. Even though it seems like your parents have been fighting forever; it's not going to last the eternity of your life. Trust me. I have had friends in the same situation. Your parents- they love you unconditionally honey. It's in their blood- you are their blood. Call it maternal instinct, call it reaction, call it what you will- they love you. If it seems like they don't... you're wrong. Tell them about this.

However, it sounds like you do have some serious problems that you must work at, IMMEDIATELY. I've done a lot of research about teen depression. Listen, it's not something you can beat on your own. You need to get help. Not all therapists (the vast majority, in fact) are "nutjobs". Please, please, please get help. All the things you've pointed out- crying daily, overeating, getting emotional about small things (like changing bedrooms), losing willingness to work- these are all surefire signs of teen depression. This is depression, it is real, and it's not going to go away on it's own. You must talk to your parents. Or anyone! Talk to your school counselor. Do you go to church? Talk to someone at our church. If you don't, it will spiral out of control, more so than now.

If you feel unwilling to talk to someone, think about this:
You hate what you're going through right now. You hate how you lay around and watch TV all day. You hate crying everyday. You hate being depressed. You hate your parent's fighting. The first step is to get help. Once this is done... the road will be looking a lot brighter. With professional help, ... I can't even say how much it'll help you. Everything... everything you're describing. I've read so many stories about girls going through the same thing. Once they've got help- sure, it took pain, dedication, hard work, struggles- but in the end, they were in the clear. Beautiful, perfect beings. Please, just tell someone. That's the first step. It's that simple, and then the healing begins.

Love, Smile

[horse_luver]

Thank you so much smile, you have no idea how much your post means to me.
As far as not having only 2 friends, I technically only do. I dont really "know" anyone here. Sure I care about everyone here, and I try to help people here when I can, this is cyber space. This is a forum. You guys are my internet friends, its not like I am going to call someone from this forum up and go meet them.

I do appreciate your post, and I will get help eventually, its just I dont want to make myself a priority before my sick grandparents. Once they get better, or pass on to a better place, then I will get some help.

[Ocean]

Dear Horse_luver, I can not say anything better than what Smile just wrote. Just remember that we are on you side here and you definitely do have friends!!!!!

[madeupgirl]

Smile that's a great post and I agree with Ocean 100%.
HorseLurver, you are such a gorgeous girl and imo you don't have a thing to worry about looks. Even if you didn't look that gorgeous or didn't have a boyfriend why do you think so low about yourself? First of all learn to be proud of your self no matter what. You are just 15 and to me you are just a baby and there's lot to learn and experience in this world and it never is going to be easy. Well that's life. Life is life and no body said that its going to be a never ending party. I don't want to sound harsh or insensitive but you need to understand that to survive in this world you must learn to be stronger than that. Why do you define your self by the number of friends you have and the fact whether you have a boy friend or not? You are one unique person who your parents love (I'm sure...and right now they must be busy looking after yr grandparents).
You have alot of strenths and identify those (even write them down) be happy and proud of those. Everyone has their own weaknesses, be honoust and try to improve on those. Horselurver Education is the key to everything. That's the only thing no one can ever steel from you. And that's one thing you can fall on or depend on in worst situations in life. That alone will ensure success in life to a certain extent. So, pls forget about friends and other factors and do continue your education. Remember you're doing it for your self and not to please anyone else but you. Love your self. Don't let your self down by doing what you should not be doing. I can understand that you clearly know right from wrong by the way you have written your post.
So, you are an intelligent girl...

I truely hope my post will help you in some way. You have to be strong and deal with these issues wisely but don't punish yourself like this by taking all these things....

Have a goal and work towards it.

[Judi]

What the Ladies above me have already said is gold.
Sometimes when we are feeling lost and confused we look for happiness in the wrong places. Please remember both drinking and drugs are a depressant.
You feel better about things at the time, but the next day reality hits and it feels worse than before because something inside us rears it head and if to mock us to say you just can't be happy with out these things.
-
You above anything are a loving warm individual that does not want to hurt a soul. But sometimes that makes us a mark in this world when people need you they know you will always be there, but when you need help there is no one to be found, to lean or to comfort you.
I wish there was a way to take away some of the hurt your feeling right now, but please no this you are not alone in how you feel many have the same thoughts and uncertainty in their life's, some admit others denied.
That is what is going to make the difference with you, you realize that you need a shoulder you need someone to be a friend someone that does not judge you. You are many things Megan one being your a fighter and you are going to win this one. I know it seems like that day will never come, it will and you only need a few things to make it work Love yourself, Respect yourself, Never let anyone put you in a corner, your thought are just as important as anyone else.
You are a lovely young women, and I know that we seem all a distance away from you, but keep in your heart you will never be alone. You have all of us and if you ever need to talk Pm me and I will give you my home number. Never feel alone. Our thoughts are with you and so are our prayers.
that from everyone of us.

[Scully]

You know, after reading your first post, I thought- this is a girl who has strength, who believes in herself even though she doesn't realize it and wants to look forward to a brighter future and I know that because you have come here to ask for help because you know you are worth it and you are not giving up on yourself. If people around you seem to have disappeared, it's not because they don't like you- it's probably because they don't think they know how to give you what you need. You need to talk to someone who specializes in treating depression. They will help steer you and your life in the direction that will make you a happy person again. The sun always comes out after it rains and I have never heard of someone who has sought professional help of this nature and hasn't come out better than when they started. Just believe in yourself....and as everyone has said- you are never alone even if you think you are- you're not...

[smile]

I'm glad you appreciated the post Megan... and I completely agree with what the other girls are saying. You're so strong, intelligent, discerning... the list goes on and on. Use your best judgement on deciding when to tell your parents.

Also, have you ever heard the saying, "If you've had one good friend in your life, you're lucky"? It's so true. Maybe in high school, it doesn't seem as relevant when girls are trying to fit in all sorts of different kinds of cliques. But, man, if you have these two or three friends that have stuck with you through all this... you have weeded out the fake and identified your real, true friends. Not every fifteen-year-old can say they've accomplished something as profound as that. Something like that takes years, decades, but you have two or three really good friends... you're lucky for that. Quality does not equal quantity!!

I've attached some sites for you to check out, if you want!

check out a detailed list of the symptoms you've been experiencing:
http://www.focusas.com/Depression.html
this details a step by step method for approaching depression:
http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/teens.htm
this entire site is devoted to teen depression:
http://www.about-teen-depression.com/

look around if you have time! If you have more questions, ask... your friends are here for you

[Judi]

Thats so great of you Smile.

Megan See you got lots of people who care about you and how your doing.

[blackbird668]

I don't know what words I could say that could even come close to the great wisdom and love already given by the others here, but I just wanted to add my own support and a hug and a prayer. You are a strong and beautiful young woman.
And you always have friends here, friendship reaches beyond the scope of the keyboard on your computer.