Jokes :d

[michelle]

Alright, lets share some jokes. QUOTE EVERY JOKE.

I will start:

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, whereas,
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

People, lets get some humor here

[vogueboy]

Originally Posted by michelle

Alright, lets share some jokes. QUOTE EVERY JOKE.

I will start:




People, lets get some humor here

This is not a joke... It's the Truth

[**ashlee**]

ewww!! sorry... no offense at all... but tht ws gross !!!!!!
~ srry...bt im totally not in da mood of hearing sick stuff.. myy frends disgusted me out!!!

here's sum stuff i found, u knww, on beauty by famous ppl:

"Beauty, to me, is about being comfortable in your own skin. That, or a kick-ass red lipstick." - Gwyneth Paltrow

" We women don't care about getting our faces on money as long as we get our hands on it." --Ivy Baker Priest, former U.S. Treasurer

smile n da world smiles wit u..cry n u'll ruin ur mascara

"Every female should have 4 pets. A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for everything" - Paris Hilton

"As long as a girl has confidence, she can be sexy." - Paris Hilton.

"My boyfriend told me to choose between him and softball...................... i guess i'm gonna miss him"

** ♥♪ ashlee ♥♪ **
~!!* A wise man once said "ask a girl" *!!~

P.S.- sorry, i guess those were kinda dumb ... ill post sumthing better later..

[**ashlee**]

hiiiee *!!
okayy... dis 1's really cute.... i gt it as a forward in an email.. hope u guys lyk it :



~!!** What My Mother Taught Me **!!~


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
>"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
>finished cleaning."
>
>
>2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
> "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
>
>3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
>"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
>middle of next
>week!"
>
>4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
>" Because I said so, that's why."
>
>5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
>"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not
>going to the
>store with me."
>
>6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
>"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
>accident."
>
>7. My mother taught me IRONY.
>"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
>
>8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
>"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
>
>9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
>"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
>
>10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
>"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
>
>11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
>"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
>
>12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
>"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
>exaggerate!"
>
>13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
>"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
>
>14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
>"Stop acting like your father!"
>
>15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
>"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
>don't have
>wonderful parents like you do."
>
>16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
>"Just wait until we get home."
>
>17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
>"You are going to get it when you get home!"
>
>18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
>"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
>that way."
>
>19. My mother taught me ESP.
>"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
>
>
>20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
>"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
>me."
>
>21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
>"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
>
>22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
>"You're just like your father."
>
>23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
>"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
>barn?"
>
>24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
>"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
>
>25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about
>JUSTICE.
>"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
>you!"


haha... lol

** ♥♪ ashlee ♥♪ **
•$20 .:!<*»*× Ã�â€*§ mÂ¥ wåÿ ø® â€*hë hîghwãÿ!! ×*«*>!:.

[resha_v]

Originally Posted by **ashlee**

hiiiee *!!
okayy... dis 1's really cute.... i gt it as a forward in an email.. hope u guys lyk it :



~!!** What My Mother Taught Me **!!~


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
>"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
>finished cleaning."
>
>
>2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
> "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
>
>3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
>"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
>middle of next
>week!"
>
>4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
>" Because I said so, that's why."
>
>5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
>"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not
>going to the
>store with me."
>
>6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
>"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
>accident."
>
>7. My mother taught me IRONY.
>"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
>
>8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
>"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
>
>9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
>"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
>
>10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
>"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
>
>11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
>"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
>
>12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
>"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
>exaggerate!"
>
>13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
>"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
>
>14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
>"Stop acting like your father!"
>
>15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
>"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
>don't have
>wonderful parents like you do."
>
>16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
>"Just wait until we get home."
>
>17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
>"You are going to get it when you get home!"
>
>18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
>"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
>that way."
>
>19. My mother taught me ESP.
>"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
>
>
>20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
>"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
>me."
>
>21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
>"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
>
>22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
>"You're just like your father."
>
>23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
>"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
>barn?"
>
>24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
>"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
>
>25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about
>JUSTICE.
>"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
>you!"


haha... lol

** ♥♪ ashlee ♥♪ **
•$20 .:!<*»*× Ã�â€*§ mÂ¥ wåÿ ø® â€*hë hîghwãÿ!! ×*«*>!:.

nice one!

next joke, er..is okiez...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."



i didnt understand it...but then realise that the taxi driver freaked out because since he was driving a funeral van all those years...he thought it was a corpse which tapped his shoulder.

[horse_luver]

I apologize to any country lovers are offended with my joke!

What do you get when you play a country song backwards??

You get your dog back, you get your truck back, and you get your house back.


If u dont understand, its because what this joke is saying is that country songs always say how they lost their dog, truck and house.

[vogueboy]

That's a good one Ashlee...

[dude]

I hope you like this one

WOMAN comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband:

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says:

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

[Rubber]

This one's okay....

This elderly man was concerned his wife was going deaf. SO he went to the Dr. and
schedualed and appointmen. He asked the Dr. what he could do in the mean time. the Dr. replied, "Stand 30 ft. away from ur wife and say something in a normal voice. if she
doesn't respond, stand 20ft. away and see if she can hear u, then 10ft and keep going until she can hear you.
So the old man stood 30ft. away from his wife(who was in the kitchen)and asked,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" there was no response. So he went 20 ft. away from his wife and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" there was still no response. The man came within 10ft. of his wife and asked the question again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" still no answer. The man finally came right up behind his wife and asked once more "Honey, what for dinner?" the wife said, "Dang it, Earl, for the 4th time, CHICKEN!!!!"

[rinda]

Thats was nice dude n rubber....LOL